Post by fluffymama on Jan 6, 2016 16:54:03 GMT -5
This is mostly a vent. And will probably be long and maybe not the most comprehensive. Just forewarning you.
It seems like my life is spiralling down. Dh and I will have been married 7 years in February. And it seems like for most of that time, there's been lots of problems. I know that every marriage had ups and downs, but it seems we have had more downs than ups. I keep pushing through, hoping we can get better and do better. And we would for a bit, then go bad again. It's so hard for me to know what is purposeful and what is impulsive cause if his bipolar and adhd. He's a rapid cycler so it's constantly, ok are we manic now or low or is this outside of the bipolar and just a bad day or is this just your personality now?
He's changed so much since we got married. Which, so have I, but in like a I matured and became a parent and am raising 3 kids way. Where he's either constantly irritated or bouncing in my face and pretty much, if you aren't me and like what I like and do what I want, screw you kinda mentality towards everyone. It seemed to have gotten really bad after a therapy session where they identified he has narcissistic tendencies, but won't be able to get any tools on how to counter that until his next session on Friday. Even then I don't know if he'll actually do any of it.
What seems to be the biggest problem with us is money and work. He hardly ever works. We are constantly in and out of jobs, for numerous reasons. He just lost his job on Monday and had only been there two weeks. The thing my soul seems to thrive on is stability. And we never are. I keep trying to get us there, creating budgets and finding him jobs. But they never last. I would go and work but he refuses to watch the kids and my family is out of state, and his family is not trustworthy except his elderly grandparents. So I have so much anxiety and I have so much anger with him for not working or doing anything (no housework, no nothing) and then I have anger at myself for feeling like I'm not doing everything I could but not knowing how.
Over the years a lot has happened. Just after being married a year, we had his dad come live with us in our shoebox of a one bedroom. We then moved out to a bigger place where we split the rent, etc. Then he starts bringing in druggies and doing drugs and all that shit but we couldn't prove anything. Then dh sister comes and is supposed to only be a week or so to find a job. Yeah no. She ends up doing drugs with him too and skipping court dates (again, we didn't know because fil and sil would lie about it all and we couldn't prove anything) so we had cops raid our house for her and found her in my ds's bedroom closet while he was sleeping. He wasn't even two yet. Had enough and we moved. But because fil wouldn't stop doing drugs he ended up homeless. This homeless state was then determined to be my fault because I forced dh to move. There was a lot of having to fight battles on my own for months because dh refused to accept it was his dad and contoured to just want to blame me instead.
Then many people know about the situation that led to adopting my youngest. But what most people don't know is that during that whole time, I couldn't talk about anything. If I mentioned anything about how hard it was for me to raise a child that I didn't know would stay with me and dh would flip about how the baby wasn't mine and basically regurgitate everything mil and sil had been feeding him about how I was trying to steal her baby and everything. I knew it was a stressful situation so I just shut my mouth, kept my comments to myself and waited to see what was going to happen in the foster situation. But it meant nearly 2 years of having no one.
And once the decision had been made that sil had to terminate and sil, fil, and mil flipped their shit because we wouldn't do everything sil said and there was a no contact order put in order, it was again my fault. Because I was the one to stand up for dh and my family and told them to knock their shit off. And then it was me who was going to cancel a visitation order we had arranged--but wasn't in place until after the adoption--but I did so without dh knowing. Which, sure, I got I should have talked first, but every time we had talked about it he had refused to do anything about it and I felt it had to be done to keep my family safe. Fyi, order was automatically cancelled anyway because of the no contact order. So that happened February of last year and only just in November-ish did dh come around to I was right and sil is dangerous. Making all this time once again me on my own.
Dh is finally maybe taking therapy seriously, he's at least going which he wouldn't do before. But a large part of me is wondering if this is 7 years too late? It took 7 years for him to attempt to get better, 7 years to hopefully make things better with job sources by finishing high school. 7 years of I haven't had enough patience with him, I haven't due enough supportinghim. Is there too much damage done? Can it ever be fixed? I have no damn clue. I just feel like divorce is looming and it scares me and has made me super depressed.
Wow, that turned into a novel. Thanks who bothered to read it.
It seems like my life is spiralling down. Dh and I will have been married 7 years in February. And it seems like for most of that time, there's been lots of problems. I know that every marriage had ups and downs, but it seems we have had more downs than ups. I keep pushing through, hoping we can get better and do better. And we would for a bit, then go bad again. It's so hard for me to know what is purposeful and what is impulsive cause if his bipolar and adhd. He's a rapid cycler so it's constantly, ok are we manic now or low or is this outside of the bipolar and just a bad day or is this just your personality now?
He's changed so much since we got married. Which, so have I, but in like a I matured and became a parent and am raising 3 kids way. Where he's either constantly irritated or bouncing in my face and pretty much, if you aren't me and like what I like and do what I want, screw you kinda mentality towards everyone. It seemed to have gotten really bad after a therapy session where they identified he has narcissistic tendencies, but won't be able to get any tools on how to counter that until his next session on Friday. Even then I don't know if he'll actually do any of it.
What seems to be the biggest problem with us is money and work. He hardly ever works. We are constantly in and out of jobs, for numerous reasons. He just lost his job on Monday and had only been there two weeks. The thing my soul seems to thrive on is stability. And we never are. I keep trying to get us there, creating budgets and finding him jobs. But they never last. I would go and work but he refuses to watch the kids and my family is out of state, and his family is not trustworthy except his elderly grandparents. So I have so much anxiety and I have so much anger with him for not working or doing anything (no housework, no nothing) and then I have anger at myself for feeling like I'm not doing everything I could but not knowing how.
Over the years a lot has happened. Just after being married a year, we had his dad come live with us in our shoebox of a one bedroom. We then moved out to a bigger place where we split the rent, etc. Then he starts bringing in druggies and doing drugs and all that shit but we couldn't prove anything. Then dh sister comes and is supposed to only be a week or so to find a job. Yeah no. She ends up doing drugs with him too and skipping court dates (again, we didn't know because fil and sil would lie about it all and we couldn't prove anything) so we had cops raid our house for her and found her in my ds's bedroom closet while he was sleeping. He wasn't even two yet. Had enough and we moved. But because fil wouldn't stop doing drugs he ended up homeless. This homeless state was then determined to be my fault because I forced dh to move. There was a lot of having to fight battles on my own for months because dh refused to accept it was his dad and contoured to just want to blame me instead.
Then many people know about the situation that led to adopting my youngest. But what most people don't know is that during that whole time, I couldn't talk about anything. If I mentioned anything about how hard it was for me to raise a child that I didn't know would stay with me and dh would flip about how the baby wasn't mine and basically regurgitate everything mil and sil had been feeding him about how I was trying to steal her baby and everything. I knew it was a stressful situation so I just shut my mouth, kept my comments to myself and waited to see what was going to happen in the foster situation. But it meant nearly 2 years of having no one.
And once the decision had been made that sil had to terminate and sil, fil, and mil flipped their shit because we wouldn't do everything sil said and there was a no contact order put in order, it was again my fault. Because I was the one to stand up for dh and my family and told them to knock their shit off. And then it was me who was going to cancel a visitation order we had arranged--but wasn't in place until after the adoption--but I did so without dh knowing. Which, sure, I got I should have talked first, but every time we had talked about it he had refused to do anything about it and I felt it had to be done to keep my family safe. Fyi, order was automatically cancelled anyway because of the no contact order. So that happened February of last year and only just in November-ish did dh come around to I was right and sil is dangerous. Making all this time once again me on my own.
Dh is finally maybe taking therapy seriously, he's at least going which he wouldn't do before. But a large part of me is wondering if this is 7 years too late? It took 7 years for him to attempt to get better, 7 years to hopefully make things better with job sources by finishing high school. 7 years of I haven't had enough patience with him, I haven't due enough supportinghim. Is there too much damage done? Can it ever be fixed? I have no damn clue. I just feel like divorce is looming and it scares me and has made me super depressed.
Wow, that turned into a novel. Thanks who bothered to read it.
